Self-Actualization Problems
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: Another little gem I whipped up with too much sugar in my bloodstream. What happens when Slavik, Oxanna, and Cabaal realize that they're all computer game characters?


Author's note: Just a little demented offspring from my completely frazzled brain. Westwood Studios owns C&C Tiberian Sun. I own me.  
  
In the command chamber of Montauk, Commander Slavik was pacing back and forth while Oxanna did somthing technical-looking. Then the team in the field, led by some commander (whose name Slavik had never quite learned, but had addressed face-to-face a number of times) reported back.  
"Sir!" the engineer said as Cabaal punched his transmission onto the main screen "we can't seem to find the Tacitus!"  
"Find it, soldier, or I will..." Slavik paused. "Or I will do something nasty!" he finished.  
Cabaal's on-screen face looked quizzical as the Commander's image faded away. "Is all proceeding as stated by our mission objectives, Commander?"  
Slavik ran a hand through his brown, slicked-back hair. "I don't know. Everything seems weird all of a sudden. God, why am I talking like this?" Suddenly, he became aware of an unpleasant situation. "And when was the last time I went to the bathroom?"   
Cabaal checked the records. "November 8, 1997."  
"GOD!" Slavik rushed off. A few minutes later, he reemerged from the sanitary facilities (which, oddly enough, looked like nobody else had used them either). "Cabaal," he said, trying to keep his voice calm, "Is there any possible reason for this neglect of the bathroom?"  
"Negative, sir." Cabaal's voice replied. "The data requested is unavailable."  
"UNAVAILABLE?!" Slavik yelled. "You're a super-intelligent computer with almost everything there is know in your data banks, and you can't tell me why I haven't crapped since I was six?"  
"Maintain calmness, sir. I will find it soon. Be patient."  
"Very well." the commander said, trying to calm down. "Oxanna!" he called across the room. "What are you doing?"  
Oxanna looked puzzled. "I don't know," she replied. "If I wave my hands around and punch random keys, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. So I keep doing that."   
Slavik staggered. "Dear God," he moaned. "What's going on?"  
Cabaal beeped suddenly. "I believe I have the answer, sir," it said. "On a hunch, I have analyzed our surroundings. According to this ScanMap, the plane of reality dissolves about 50 meters outside of this room. There is a short space of nothingness- a hole in the time/space continuum, if you will- and then there is another 'island' of reality. This pattern continues endlessly, from what I can see. However, while some of the 'islands' are familiar environments, most are decidedly alien in origin."  
Oxanna's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh no." she whispered.   
"Oh, yes." Cabaal sounded sarcastic. "It would appear that we are all computer game characters."  
Suddenly, a thought struck Slavik. "If we're in a computer game- then who's playing it?"  
"Think." Cabaal replied. "Is there anyone whom you are unfamiliar with, or whose name you do not know?"  
Slavik frowned. "Not really . . ."  
"Yes there is," Oxanna replied. "At least for me. That new commander- what's-it's-name. But-"  
"See, you just called the new commander 'it.'" Cabaal said triumphantly. "That means we are unable to determine the gender, race, or even species of said commander- because it is the role that outsiders play in this game."  
"BEEP." Oxanna and Slavic said.  
"What the-" Oxanna paused. "I thought I said BEEP, not 'beep.'"  
"Censoring." Slavik said. He groaned again. "We can say stuff like 'crap,' that's minor, but not BEEP, BEEP, or even BEEP!"  
"BEEP this." Oxanna pouted.  
Suddenly, a huge voice echoed all around them. "I'M BORED," the voice said. "I'M GONNA GO PLAY 'MORTAL KOMBAT' AT THE ARCADE. WANNA JOIN ME?"  
"HELL YEAH." another voice replied. "HERE, I'LL LOG OUT-"  
"No!" the three characters screamed. "Don't leave us here!"   
Too late. The world went black around them, and the humans felt their limbs freeze in place, never to move again- at least, until someone played Tiberian Sun again.  



End file.
